I.
They say every woman is a piece of the moon,
but I want the sun.
Dear Apollo, explain to me why you gave up
clear mornings for the shadowy future.
And I’ll make you wish you hadn’t burned a time before.
Because he’s still sleeping, turned towards the window,
the thick blinds cracking with sunlight in the early dawn.
The navy sheets his royal dress, the rays his glory crown.
I wake up next to a god on Sunday morning,
hands still dirty from the night before.
II.
But when I sleep, I dream of rhyming big words
Building them on top of each other, letting it touch the sky.
I rub up against them once in awhile to test their strength,
To see if they feel soft against my forehead.
And then I lose whatever I’ve found.
He says the forgetting defines me.
Once, in another life, I was a girl in Montana.
My face wasn’t smooth and I carried a knife
strapped to my boot. I branded horses with a reverse K,
and carved hearts into bedposts.
I guess I felt a need to prepare for the real thing.
When I woke in the morning it was next to me.
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Comments
but I want the sun."
That was gripping. I read it twice before I went any further. That's the kind of opening I want.
"I wake up next to a god on Sunday morning,
hands still dirty from the night before."
Wow, are you kidding me. That is amazing. The stanza right before it is such a good lead in. The second stanza felt the weakest of part I, to me anyway. The "clear mornings for the shadowy future" didn't quite... mesh.
"And then I lose whatever I’ve found.
He says the forgetting defines me."
Again, I really was a bit stunned here. That second line makes your relationship feel instantly, intimately bound. Another good lead in before it.
"Once, in another life, I was a girl in Montana.
My face wasn’t smooth and I carried a knife
strapped to my boot. I branded horses with a reverse K,
and carved hearts into bedposts."
This was at first a little wierd. Disconnected. But the two lines after it brought it back in, smoothly, and I felt it worked.
I also especially enjoyed the halting rhythm of your couplets in II. I don't know what else to say. This is great talent at work.
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Have a heart.
+--<3
Down with the serial killer! ~Sora-Slaughterers
With enough sake, all pairings are possible.
--
Dace
I love the opening, especially--it's very eye-catching.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go favorite this and force it upon all my friends.
--
My hovercraft is full of eels.
--
I'm so uncool, it's cool
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The Greeks had only one question for life before death: Did it have passion?
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Oh my. I'm not sure if there's much else I can say about it, to be perfectly honest.
--
Do Not Adjust Your Mind, Reality Is At Fault
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